What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
Randomize
