the chair was smiling at me in sociology and i had to try not to burst out laughing.
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
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