He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
There's guys at my school running around throwing potatoes shouting "remember the famine." makes me proud to be Irish.
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
Randomize
