I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
