If i could tip my vagina, i would.
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
Randomize
