The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
Randomize
