Random question, how's your gag reflex these days
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
Randomize