hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
My pussy is not your playground.
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
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