yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
These girls next to us are doing shots called bath salts. Sadly this is the classiest bar I've been to since i moved to PA
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