Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
What a dumb baby whore.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
