I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
I am fine. Katie thinkr i broke things pole dancing. I am coherant.
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
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