The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
You're like the curious george of whores
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
they call him Oral-B. enough said
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
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