My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Just out of curiosity. Did you wait until my fb picture was well liked by others before liking it so people won't know we're fucking?
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
Randomize
