I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
All I heard was "You have collect call from Lafayette Parish Jail for Dude it was awesome! I'll tell you about it later!"
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Randomize