i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
I may be a little high but I'm pretty sure my alphabet soup has only Os in it
We call that spaghetti Os
alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
Tough to say exactly how to play this. I just know people don't like surprises when genitals are involved.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
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