Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
Me. blonde. Sex. Dance floor.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
Randomize
