Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
In fact, not a good idea to go into any house alone after a man invites you in from his balcony.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
I need an honest answer, no judgements. Would it make me a bad person if I fucked the other twin?
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