I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
We left the knife in your bed.
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
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