put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Randomize
