He's still on the phone with him. This is unnatural. Dudes don't call other dudes just to talk.
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Randomize
