girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
No. I still stand by my previous statement that nachos and tequila is the breakfast of champions.
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
A good drinking club with a running problem, improves endurance in both I have observed this evening.
2 for 1 beer results in multiples of 2 so what should be a beer or two becomes 4 or 6. But running, alleviates the need for a DD.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
Randomize
