i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
Randomize
