my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
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