god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Randomize
