why do cheetos always look like penises
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
Are we DOING anything for lunch...if sex is involved, let's just be straight forward and stop wasting the first half hour! We just need to get to the point
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
Randomize
