I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
Randomize
