I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
Nights of college: 1. Virgins: 1. Yes.
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
He did a backflip because drugs
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Randomize
