After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
Every time a guy reaches down to touch my vag, i feel really sorry for all the transgender girls who still have a penis there.
That's weird cause every time i feel a girls vag i feel way worse for all the guys who reached down there and got a penis.
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
would it be mean if I put better with the lights off on my sex playlist just for my hook up with him?
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
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