Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
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