quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
Randomize
