I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
Randomize
