when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
would it be inappropriate to describe you with the phrase "bigass titties"?
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize