I just want you to know that me val and amanda are drinking on top of a hill lookig at the chicago skyline drinking icehouse and we just peed in public.
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
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