I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
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