my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
Mom said you looked used
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
side note: on a scale of 1-10, how bad an idea is it to hook up with 9 cats guy?
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
Randomize
