Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
That would make regret #10
He was more like the original regret
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
I think the heterosexuals across the hall are negotiating about breeding. How do I figure out which one is against it and back them up?
Randomize
