i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
Body shots with my MILFs MILF!!
All I did was send my mom an ecard
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
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