Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
there are LEGIT cum stains on my ceilling. ON THE CEILLING!! you tell me how the relationship was.
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