I gotta feeling the economic climate has killed the housewife market
I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
I think it's just because she's got "I'll sleep with anyone with a decent car" written all over her face.
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
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