I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
I apparently made a "health and fitness" subcatagory called "drugs" on mint at some point. I used it to catagorize all of my nyc atm withdrawls for $60 haha
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
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