I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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