4 words: hood of his car
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
