You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
I Apparently saved a picture of the Eiffel tower in between 2 pics of his dick. It appears to be the same size. I fucking love Paris.
no more duck duck goose at the bar
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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