my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
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