I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
Btw the nut in my hair goes great with my outfit !!! :(
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
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