Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Randomize
