As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
In other news, I had my first sex related injury of the school year so that's cool
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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