guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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