Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
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