She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
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