I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
he needs to stop knowing everyone on campus...it's making cheating on him really difficult.
being pregnant is like rehab
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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