Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
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