she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
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