Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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