I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
Randomize
