My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
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