how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
I was chocking and even did the sign for it..And you continued to just laugh
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
Randomize
