Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
I just realized his fb pic was taken in a public bathroom.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Randomize
