it's too hot outside to masturbate.
i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
I'm not sure if what i'm hearing downstairs is sex or not, but if it is, it sounds like there's a dog involved...i'm mildly concerned.
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
One of these days I would like to go out drinking and stick to plan of just getting drunk and not be sidetracked with other people's plans of doing drugs along the way. I didn't even want to not feel my teeth tonight but here we go just another Thursday night when you live I live
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
Randomize
