I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
Randomize
