alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
My internship group is made up of all freshman. Their enthusiasm for education and social interaction sickens me.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
Randomize
