I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
i now know from two sources i am better at making out and giving head than she is. and not by a little either.
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
I just sucked dick on a ferry
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
Randomize