Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
Anytime he goes down on me i automatically think of you cheering me on. Your a good friend.
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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