Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
Randomize
