my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
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