I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
It's almost like sex with her has gotten boring... like it's still good, but the creativity is lacking... it's times like these that i wish she still wanted me to gag her
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
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