god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
Randomize
