I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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