My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
Google imaged your anal issues. Seems fuckable still.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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