I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
We ended up sleeping in the emergency room for safety (you know, well lit, cameras..) and then an ambulance drove us to the train station around 4am. great last night in australia.
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
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