3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
I'm high, and her 2,100 tagged pictures annoy me even MORE. I wish it had a google searchbar so I could type in "cleavage pics" to get to the point.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
I would ride that face into the sunset
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
