found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
Randomize
